


New Year's Hesitation

by padfootagain



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 11:39:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17000952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: Your lack of confidence leads you to doubt your value, to the point that you Wonder if you really are the best for Ben.





	New Year's Hesitation

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like this!

You could hear his bright and earnest laugh crossing the large room. You were at a party thrown by some of your and Ben’s friends. You knew a few people luckily, but that didn’t avoid you to feel uncomfortable, to feel lonely as you watched your boyfriend chatting merrily with a blond woman you remembered was a very skilled surgeon.

A skilled surgeon… really?!

You heaved a sigh, drinking some of the Champagne in your glass, the bubbles of gas tickling your mouth and the alcohol warming your cheeks.

It was stupid, this feeling of yours. This feeling that Ben could have better. This feeling that every woman he encountered was better for him than you were. This feeling of jealousy that was crushing your heart and made you ashamed of yourself. You knew Ben enough to be certain that he would never cheat on you.

Leave you for another woman though, remained plausible…

You finished your drink in one large gulp, before putting the glass down on the table next to you. Your head was spinning for a few seconds, and you blamed it on the loud music, the bright colours surrounding you and the alcohol you had just drunk and was now running through your veins, although you knew that part of it was due to this blond surgeon giving Ben a flirtatious smile. To which Ben replied with an amused smile, as he apparently didn’t notice the flirt in her behaviour. That wasn’t really surprising coming from him though. Ben seemed completely unable to detect flirting, it had been the same when you had met him.

You looked away from Ben when you saw him slowly turning his head towards you, fleeing these brown eyes of his that you adored.

The truth was, you had been feeling this way for a while now. Like you were not good enough for him. When you stood side by side, hand in hand, you couldn’t help but feel it. Feel like you were not beautiful enough, not dressed well enough, not smiling enough, not smart enough, not funny enough… just… not enough. You felt like he could have better. You were just a normal woman. You were not claiming to have only flaws but you didn’t feel like everyone was looking at you when you entered a room, like you were shining. For Ben it was another story…

And it was scaring you. Hell, it was terrifying… this feeling in your chest that Ben could be happier with someone else.

Although he seemed to be happy by your side. He was making you laugh like no one had ever managed to before, he was sweet and gentle, he was about everything you had always longed to find in another human being. And if he thought that you were not enough, he for sure didn’t show it. Every time he looked at you, he had this happy and mesmerized expression shining in his dark eyes…

You couldn’t understand how you could elicit such feelings in a man like him though. And it was scaring you as well. Because if you couldn’t see it, perhaps one day, he would stop seeing it too, and what then?

The tears, the shouts, the tones of dirty tissues, the heartbreak…

You didn’t want to have to go through that all over again.

Perhaps it was safer for you to go. The thought had been lingering in your mind for a while now. It would be better for him, you had no real doubt about that, and perhaps it would be better for you too…

Perhaps it was partly New Year messing with your head, but you felt like a brand new year was a good moment to make a new start.

When you turned around again, Ben was looking at the doctor once more, chatting merrily. And when she touched his arm, it was too much. You had to get out of there and fast.

You strode across the room and headed towards the front door, grabbing your coat as you walked.

But Ben spotted you.

He saw you walking across the large room and toward the door, taking your coat without slowing down your hurried pace. He frowned hard, not understanding why you were going outside. He took a look at the clock up there on the wall. It was almost midnight…

“Sorry, I think my girlfriend has a problem, we’ll talk later if you want,” Ben told the woman before him.

She merely smiled.

“Sure,” she nodded, and he didn’t hear the bitterness in her voice.

He hurried after you, zigzagging through the crowd, until he finally reached the door.

He shivered as the cold air hit his skin, and it’s only then that he noticed that he hadn’t grabbed his coat. But the thought soon disappeared from his mind as he focused upon you again, searching for your silhouette through the cold night. It took him several seconds to spot you as you hurried down the street covered with snow. It hadn’t snowed that day though, and parts of the white layer was becoming brown or grey with dirt. Ben called for you, starting to run after you, cursing as he walked into a puddle of melted snow.

“Y/N! Y/N, wait! What are you doing? Where are you going?”

But you didn’t slow down. You didn’t even turn around, and Ben frowned. He wondered if he had done something wrong somehow.

“Y/N!” he called again, finally reaching for you.

You shrugged him off though, when he tried to take your hand.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, frowning hard, and you could hear annoyance in his voice now. “Where are you going?”

“Home,” you replied in a voice so low that Ben barely caught your words.

“Why? Are you sick?” he asked, placing himself on your way to force you to stop walking, and you heaved a frustrated sigh.

“I’m not sick,” you mumbled.

“Why are you leaving then?” he asked, his voice calmer again, as he could see sadness in your eyes despite your efforts to hide your gaze from him.

You shrugged, but Ben was used to this behaviour of yours by now. You always closed yourself when you were sad.

“Hey, love,” he breathed, rubbing softly your upper arms in a soothing gesture. “Hey, what’s wrong? Come on, tell me. Are you bored?”

You shook your head, taking a step back.

You had hoped that you could just run away from all this but clearly it would not be that easy. You guessed that you had to tell him face to face…

“It’s just,” you whispered, and Ben had to focus hard to understand what you wear saying, “I’m… having doubts. About us.”

Ben frowned hard, his heart accelerating under his ribs.

“What do you mean ‘doubts’? You… Did I do something wrong?”

You shook your head.

“No, you didn’t.”

“What do you mean when you say that you are having doubts? You mean… about the party? About…”

“About our relationship, Ben,” you interrupted him.

He held your chin firmly, forcing you to look up at him. But he could see tears shining in your eyes and he knew that you were serious, that you meant it…

He gasped, his lips trembling.

“But… I…” he stuttered, staggering on his words, and you could hear that he was breathless. “I thought that… you were happy with me.”

“I am…”

“Why would you want us to break up then?”

“Because… Look I have my reasons, okay? Let go of me now.”

“Do you really think that telling me that you have 'your reasons’ is going to be enough? That I’m going to let you leave that easily?”

“Ben…”

“Well, you’ll learn that I’m willing to fight for you!”

You pushed his hand away from your chin, but kept on staring at him.

“I… I don’t know what to do. Perhaps we should take a break, for a few days. Just a few days.” “A break? No, no, no, no… Because taking a break for a few days generally means that we’ll never be back together. And I can’t have that.”

“I’m not saying that I want to break up…”

“That’s exactly what you’re saying!”

He looked at you with eyes full of fear and pain, and all of a sudden you were not so sure about this decision of yours.

“I’m just… I don’t know…” you stuttered.

He could see that you were lost, that you were hesitating. But he couldn’t figure out why and he felt so frustrated because of it…

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked again. “Because… if I’m doing something that is hurting you then… just tell me and I’ll make efforts.”

But you shook your head, tears shining in your eyes now.

“You’re doing nothing wrong,” you said.

“I don’t want us to break up,” he said. “I… I care about you, you know that, right?”

“I know.”

“Why do you suddenly want to stop seeing me then? I… I don’t want you to leave. Because… I’m happy with you. And I don’t want all this to stop. You need to tell me why you are suddenly on the verge of tears, about to break up with me, when yesterday we were taking a bath together and laughing like mad.”

You smiled at the happy memory, and you didn’t push Ben away again when he took your hand.

“What’s going on? I don’t understand anything,” he admitted.

You stared at him for a bit longer. You looked at his short beard, his soft chocolate eyes and his silky hair. And you had to tell him…

“I just… You’re wonderful Ben,” you told him, staring right into his eyes, your voice soft and slightly shaking. “You’re so kind, and caring, and funny and… You’re amazing.”

“But?” he asked, frowning.

“There’s no 'but’,” you shook your head. “There’s no 'but’, this is… what’s happening between us is pretty much perfect.”

“Then why would you want it to stop?”

“Because… Because I don’t think that I’m good enough for you.”

You had spoken the words in a hurry thinking that it was best to admit it quickly, like one would do when pulling on a thorn.

You waited for him to speak but he was so puzzled he was left speechless.

“I… I feel like you could have better,” you went on, as Ben was remaining silent. “I feel like you could find someone better than me, that you could be… happier… with someone else.”

You shrugged, tears now flowing down your cheeks and you were unable to hold them back.

“I’m just… a normal woman with a normal job and a few pounds on her bank account and… you deserve so much better…. someone like… a surgeon or… And I’m not like that. I’m not perfect enough. I’m not good enough.”

But he shushed you by… pressing his lips to yours. He held your face in his hands, his hold soft but firm enough to keep your head in place. And he was kissing you so passionately and yet tenderly… He softly bit your lower lip a few times before deepening the kiss, making you moan.

When you finally broke the kiss, you were both breathless.

“All that you’ve just said, is pure bullshit. I hope you know that,” he breathed.

You looked up at him, but he was smiling down at you.

“You’re so wrong, Y/N,” he said. “You’re wonderful!”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are. You are absolutely wonderful! You’re funny, and smart and kind…”

“I’m just… average.”

“Absolutely not. Not to me. And it’s all that matters.”

You bit down on your lip.

“It’s okay to be normal, I don’t want you to change, and I don’t want you to be… a superhero or something,” he said softly, his eyes tender and a small smile curving up his lips. “I just want you to be you. Because perhaps that you’re not a billionaire. Perhaps you’re not famous, but I don’t care about that at all. It doesn’t matter. It’s not what defines you as a person. What defines you is… your cute little pout, and your hilarious sense of humour, and your intelligence, and your laugh, and your sweet temper and… everything that makes you be you. And that… is not defined by the money on your bank account, nor your job. It’s just you. And you’re amazing. And you’re wrong, I can’t find better.”

He dropped a soft kiss on your brow, his thumbs brushing against your cheeks, sweeping your tears away as they fell.

“I’m just… scared that you could find someone better and…” you breathed, looking up at him. “And that you would leave when really… it would break my heart. I depend so much on you, it’s scaring.”

“I have to admit that it scares me a bit too,” he said softly, a small smile still grazing his lips. “But I’m willing to take the risk. Because… it’s worth it. It’s worth how happy I am with you.”

His fingers slipped down your face, brushed against your neck and trailed down your arms until he held your hands in his. And when he spoke softly again, he was stuttering, his cheeks reddening.

“It’s worth it because… actually… I… I might be… slightly… completely… in love with you.”

You gasped, your lips parting with shock, and your heart beating so fast into your chest that you thought it would escape from your ribcage.

A shy smile appeared on his lips, and he squeezed your hands into his.

“I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay. Because you’re everything that I could ever need, that I could ever want. I love you. Stay. Stay and be scared to death with me.”

You chuckled, nodding, squeezing his hands as well.

“You’re always good at making me do precisely what you want,” you smiled.

“As long as it brings one of these smiles upon your pretty face, then it’s fine by me,” he laughed.

You laughed as well, resting your forehead against his.

“Ben… I… feel the same, you know?”

He chuckled, a bright grin on his face.

“Well, as long as you don’t tell me, then I can’t know,” he replied.

You smacked him playfully on the shoulder, before wrapping your arms around his neck, and Ben wrapped his own arms around your waist, pulling you against him.

“Do you really mean that? What you’ve just said?” you asked in a breathy whisper.

“I do,” he nodded.

You could feel your heart on the verge of exploding with affection and joy… and you were glad that Ben was holding you so tightly against him, because your knees where becoming very weak.

“I love you, Ben,” you grinned.

“I love you too, Y/N.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have run away like this.”

“It’s alright. Actually… I reckon that it’s mainly my fault, I’ll make sure to make you feel special from now on.”

“You already do, Ben,” you gave him a tender smile.

“Just talk to me next time you have a doubt about us, okay?”

“That’s a deal.”

“We should seal that deal then,” he smirked, making your laugh.

You leaned up to kiss him, and he bent down to meet your lips, but you both jumped as a very loud explosion crossed the sky above the two of you. And when you looked up towards the night sky, it was not only stained with the cold light of the stars, but with all the colours brought by the fireworks that marked the beginning of a brand new year.

When Ben’s gaze met yours again, you both exchanged a grin. And there was no doubt left into your heart, no desire to run away. Oh, you were still terrified by the strength of your feelings for him, but for some reason, it didn’t really matter anymore. With him, you were ready to take the leap. And you were ready to spend this new year with him by your side.

“Happy New Year, Y/N,” he smiled, stroking your cheek.

“Happy New Year, Ben.”

You didn’t see the rest of the fireworks though. Ben’s lips seemed glued to yours for the rest of the show, and it was much more interesting…


End file.
